Day 8 Saying no so I can say yes

One of the biggest lessons I learned in my twenties and damn, I wish that I could have realised earlier. We all have only 24 hours in a day and those hours rapidly fill up with all kinds of responsibilities and distractions. That is why it is so easy to get sucked into social media or personal drama and not to read that book about eels that you said you’d read for the last year. The hours slip away from us, then the days and finally years go by without the growth that we so desperately crave.

I made the mistake of committing too much to other people and their lives and not enough to myself. People pleasing at its finest. How could I pursue happiness and growth when other people were struggling?

Then, one day I read a book that changed my life: Gabor Mate’s ‘When the body says no’. The book is filled with stories of people who are trapped in people pleasing and self abandonment as a coping mechanism. They could not bear the feeling of disappointing those around them, so instead they disappointed themselves. It’s like an immune system that attacks one’s own body instead of viruses. This trap can literally kill you. It can keep you from asking for help, seeing a doctor, prioritising your mental or physical health — and much more

I wish I could say that I just snapped out of it when I made the connection but I don’t think that is how growth actually happens. Instead I crawled out of the hole I was in step by step. I started out by saying no to invitations in the evening when I would rather stay in and recover and went for a swim at sunrise each morning. One day at a time things got better.

To be honest I am still on that same climb right now, refining my boundaries each day, communicating what it actually is that I want and need. It’s not easy to face a conversation where you know that you need to disappoint a person you love. In the absence of honesty and boundaries, resentment festers and it can infect any relationship.

It can infect any and all of our relationships. I would rather own up to the truth. Tell the other person and thus be able to adjust the course of our relationship. I need to be able to say: Hey I know we used to go to the bar together in the evenings but I don’t drink alcohol anymore so I would love to go for a coffee or a walk with you instead. Relationships are all about negotiation.

I negotiate with myself too. A few weeks ago I decided that my habit of watching things on social media in the mornings and evenings was distracting me from other things I would like to pursue. I don’t expect myself to have endless willpower (total myth) so instead I got help. I installed an app that blocks me from opening those sites between 7 pm and 10 am. This way I may still watch a video on my lunch break but I don’t wake up filling my brain with other people’s lives and opinions and I get to go to bed and read.

This is part of designing your life, the no creates space for the yes. Your day is already full right now so if you want to add something of value, you need to remove a distraction first.

I hope you’re well wherever you are

Celine