Day 22: A real day, just trying to get better

Today was not a glamorous day. It was one of taking everyday actions to get better. We went and got paint swatches for the cottage, groceries, and the cable I needed for my laptop. I’m looking at some gorgeous pastel yellows for the main room, paired with blue and green painted wooden furniture. It’s so fun to see the colour palette come together and to realize it’s turning out just as I imagined.

Later, we had lunch. I installed a bunch of apps I needed for uni and helped my mum with her camera. I’m so impressed by the way she keeps reading her book and trying to understand the technology. I think this is what a lot of life is actually like—not so aspirational, but trying not to fall into the pit of anxiety and to keep on keeping on. We can make each other’s days better or worse.

That’s why I started this blog: to share my world with you, but even more so, to prove to myself that I can show up even on days when I feel stuck. I try not to think about this project 3 or 4 months down the line. It’s too overwhelming to imagine all of those days, hours, and minutes blurred into one. Instead, I treat it like recovery. I read that’s how alcoholics get better: one day at a time. I imagine myself committing again, one day at a time.

Now my alone time is mostly in the evening, so that’s when I write. I said I would, so I’m here. I have the internal commitment to show up. Tomorrow will be another day of admin and tech, but with the support of my loved ones, I know I can try.

Am I the only one who feels defeated when a piece of software doesn’t work the way I thought it would? Do you also feel like running away when you listen to something that feels foreign? Does it make you squeal inside too?

When I was a child and overwhelmed with homework, I would run away—crawl under the sofa, then slide under the corner table. I knew I was the only one small enough to fit. Now that I’m older, I make myself pause, breathe, get a heating pad, maybe some tea, and try again. That doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.

I think it’s so important to grow that internal toolbox so that when we face challenging situations, we find better ways to address them and cope. We need support to learn and grow, and emotionally mature people around us to help regulate our feelings.

Growing up is not about feeling less, but about being able to go through the whole cycle—about not getting stuck in darkness or rage. I wish I was further along; I always do. But either way, I am here, and that has to be enough.

I hope you are doing well, wherever you are.
Celine