The obsessions of a neurodivergent fangirl.
Introduction
I am officially obsessed and am finally forced to own up to it. Believe me when I say, that I have tried to keep this hidden, locked away from the world for a long time. Girls are not supposed to be hysterical, opinionated, difficult and knowledgeable. We are supposed to keep swimming in the middle of the stream while the boys get to obsess over cars, music or their favourite football club. They get proud tattoos of their obsessions while ridiculing us for wanting the same.
Neurodivergence and hyper focus
Due to the way my brain is wired, obsessively reading or listening to things on topics that interest me is the way that I make sense of the world. It is the way I try to see the bigger patterns and the way I relax. Being kept away from it would feel horrendous, like I just can’t breathe! Even writing this makes me cringe. It sounds feminine, emotional — and therefore easy to dismiss as another dramatic woman.
Growing up, I got enough feedback on the way I thought and expressed myself to see that my internal world is best kept private, for my own enjoyment only.The dark side of safetyWhat happened as a consequence of my silence, was that I was also denying myself some very important opportunities. Not sharing how I think, what I read, photograph and paint makes it look like I am not doing these things. While other people, men for the most part, have some rough idea and boldly share it. They look like they are worthy and I am quietly in the corner, filled with rage at the high standard that I set myself. I don’t feel like it is worth communicating an unfinished, open thought. It must be articulated and referenced perfectly for me to hope to be taken seriously.
Let me give you a little example
Yesterday I had a call with a classmate of mine, he is a very nice guy and it was good for both of us studying remotely to make sense of the assignment together. However, I noticed the same pattern again: he showed me his very rough draft, his sketch and I did not have anything written down because I was still organising the exact logic and structure of it in my head. I would have been mortified to share such an unedited draft… I could be mad at him but he has done absolutely nothing wrong. He has been encouraged to participate and share unfinished things and girls are very strongly discouraged from doing the same.
A few years ago I read about a statistic that men tend to apply for jobs just above their experience level whereas women tend to only apply when they are absolutely certain that they qualify in every way. This behaviour is what holds us back in our careers. In order to have an equal chance, we need to be just as bold as men in our pursuits, we need to be confident that we can grow into a new role and that we deserve the same kind of opportunity that men get.
So why change things now?
In our design studies we are supposed not only to share our final product but also the process we went through to get there. If I remain tongue tied, I will fail. Owning up to my obsessions feels like confessing to something embarrassing — like telling my professor I eat a kilo of chocolate every morning. How can I unpack my messy, obsessive mind?
What this blog will be:
The women I have learned from, who dare to speak up, to stand within their identity, to remain unmoved by ridicule are my heroes. I return to their stories over and over as a source of courage and comfort. I don’t have all the answers about injustice or prejudices but what I can do is own up to my own obsessions and process on a daily basis. I can carve out the time each day to sit down and write about what it is that I am reading, who I am listening to, what I am observing and what inspires me in my own life.
This blog will be a sort of artefact of my mind and my musings and I hope that it will also allow the right people to find me. As long as we keep our obsessions hidden, we are invisible to the world and I just don’t have time for that anymore.
